It certainly feels like the dead of winter up here in the mountains.
And December just started!
I want to feel excited about all the bright snow and beautiful daggers of icicles. These weather signs indicate the arrival of our dear Father Christmas, right? But what happens when Santa doesn’t excite you as much anymore… I’m not talking about growing up and not believing, but of letting go of some of the love for the commercial aspect of this holiday season. The aim of businesses to make a profit off every holiday, especially Christmas. I love giving gifts, making things for other people and sharing great food with those I love in a warm house. The cheery lights and red and green decor are very uplifting to adorn your house with.
But I just can’t warm up to the cold. The snow and ice and bitter north wind. It all looks nice from this side of the window, by a blazing fire, but I dread trudging through the snow and skidding along the road on my 30 min drive to work. During times of cold icy weather, I find myself in the state of mind I so dread: just waiting for it to pass.
What I strongly believe is that you shouldn’t just wait for any period of your life to end. This state of mind will continue to the next thing, even when what you’ve been waiting for comes to pass. Then you end up just waiting for your life to end! And I would hate to realize that at the end of my life I was never present for any of it. Never appreciated what I had when I had it.
I’ve actually cut back a lot on my complaining. I used to have things I “needed to rant about” every day: from messes my brother made at home to the rude nurses at the hospital to whatever other shit bothered me. Now I’ve moved and changed jobs, so those old issues can’t reach me anymore. But this change in me involved more than just a change of scene. I started looking at things around me differently. Now I don’t wait for my shift to end, only to go home and wait to be able to go to bed. It’s a pretty serious sign of depression to just wish for the day to end so you can go back to sleep and not have to deal with people anymore. I’ve been there a few times.
Now that I’ve improved myself in one area, I want to work on my intolerance of winter. I’ve been asking if it’s winter yet just so that I can count down the days to its end already. I’ve gotten myself into that waiting mindset, and now I’m trying to get out of it. I’m also looking for ways to prevent the usual seasonal depression from setting in. I know it affects pretty much everyone in some way, but I don’t want it to hit me so strongly. I can’t waste this much time feeling shitty.
I also want the winter to end and the snow to melt so that I can get back to my little cabin and make it a cosy home again. We have a few home improvement jobs in mind to expand its size and add its own heating, which will begin when the weather gets better next year. Then we won’t have to move back and forth from there to the spare bedroom when the seasons change. I don’t mind living with my future in-laws, but we all need our own space sometimes. And my personal space has become winter storage, buried in half a foot of snow.