I don’t really talk about my personal life on here often, but I have some thoughts I need to spill. I need to talk about not being SAD for once.
For those of you who hate winters, I’m with you all the way. It’s too cold, your skin dries out, and the light fades away too quickly. Another reason I dread the dark days is this thing called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or just SAD. It’s when you want to sleep a lot and don’t know how to get energized no matter what. I have felt the effects of SAD for a few years now, and I don’t like it one bit.
Apparently women are four times as likely to be diagnosed with SAD. I also have a dad with bipolar disorder, so that just increases my likelihood for depression and other types of mental illness. I don’t need a diagnosis to feel like my feelings are valid. Plus that would just make me feel like I had a real problem, a “condition” that needs to be medicated. I might not even have the full on disorder, just a slight version of it, and that’s ok too. I would rather find ways of coping with my mental state myself than go to the hospital where they tell me what I already know or make me take antidepressants for it.
The one thing I’ve tried this year is taking Vitamin D supplements because I feel like the main issue I have with winter is not getting enough sunlight. I literally feel charged when I get some sun on my body, and that may be because I can’t produce enough of it on my own to feel good on a regular basis when the sun’s not around. There are other imbalances that can lead to a person having SAD, but I’m testing this theory about myself, and it’s working pretty well.
I’ve gotten better about paying mind to my mental health in the past few years. I’ve overcome some crippling anxiety and self-doubt and learned to appreciate the things about myself that make me me. These days I feel generally comfortable with myself, but I know I could dig deeper into my soul again and get to know myself how I used to. Just be really in tune with how things affect me inside.
The reason I’ve spent little time lately listening to my inner music is that things have been pretty ok. I think it’s easy for me to just keep grinding when I have something to do, and I feel like I don’t need to think about my feelings much. I used to journal more often and set time aside to unwind and sharpen the saw. I haven’t taken time for myself because I don’t feel like I need it. But things did get pretty bad for a second there, which I’ll talk more about in my next post. And that little episode alerted me to what may be really going on inside.
For most of my life I’ve decided that there’s nothing wrong with me because I just ignore the symptoms and tough it out. While it’s good to not let little things get to you, I think I’ve been suppressing bigger things. Like the fact that I went most of my life without considering my likelihood for mental illness, with it’s large prevalence in my family tree. I think I just didn’t want to appear weak, so I suppressed my inner thoughts and pretended I was perfectly fine.
No one is perfectly fine.
So this year I’ve taken some initiative and tried to combat the smothering of depression. Taking Vitamin D to give my body the correct levels of the hormone is one step in the right direction, but I know that keeping myself mentally healthy is a daily effort. One that I am ready to commit to, if doing so helps me feel like myself more of the time and lets me get on with my life.
I don’t need anything to hold me back, especially my own mind.